I thought that if I shut down my blog (yes! those entire 48 hours…lol), delete the app from my phone, and remove the bookmark on my laptop, I could erase that nagging feeling that is almost compelling me to share this experience with you.
Nah, it’s not a catchy blog title… this is my life. I was 18 years old and he was the first and only person I had ever slept with in my entire life.
I don’t know who this will encourage, (or maybe my sharing is just for me to finally stop hiding) but when I went through this experience, it was the most alone I’ve felt in my entire life. I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror and I felt like a filthy infectious rag. I wished that SOMEONE who was struggling with this would have opened up and encouraged me that this would not be the end of my life, instead I navigated this space alone as a teenager in this big big big world.
So, friend, I hope you find comfort in my journey…
*Reader Discretion is advised*
We were in the middle of being sexually intimate, he paused and said to me, “Babe, you have a bump right here –pointing to the lower part of my vagina, closer to my anus- you should get it checked out.” Not giving it a second thought, I shrugged and said, “ok.” We continued where we had left off. When the weekend was over, I returned to my college campus— we didn’t live in the same city, he was a 2 hour drive away.
I woke up two days later and went to shower for class — I lived in a dorm, so we’re talking about a communal shower for a hall of women and I had a roommate. So, I had no privacy — As I proceeded to cleanse my private areas, it was too painful to touch… I looked down and couldn’t see anything, but I knew something was wrong. I rushed out of the shower and into my room — thank God my roommate had already left for class– I layed down on my bed, propping myself up with pillows, I spread my legs wide open and placed the mirror directly in front of me. OOOOMMMMGGG!!! My mouth fell wide open….I was paralyzed with shock. I had no idea what was happening to me, but I knew this could not be good.
That little pimple like bump my boyfriend pointed out, had turned into multiple blister-like-canker-sores and had spread itself all along my inner and outward vaginal lips…. and it was painful. I called my boyfriend and told him what was happening, he told me to go and see a doctor. I decided not to. I thought to myself, I’ll just wait and see if it goes away on it’s own… maybe I was just having an allergic reaction to the panties I was wearing. The next morning, it only got worse. It was so bad, that I could not wear jeans… I put on my cotton undies, because the coolness of the cotton seemed to temporarily provide some relief, my favorite green skirt and a white tank top. Yes, I remember what I was wearing, this day is permanently etched into my memory. I was on my way to the school clinic, I wanted to run there… but I could barely walk. When I closed my legs, and my vaginal lips touched one another, the sores rubbed against each other and it really hurt… I cried a few times before I finally left my room. I mustered up the courage to put on my mask and a fake smile to greet the girls in the hallway, as I walked out of my dorm building. They had no idea I was on my way to get a diagnosis that would change my life forever. I walked slowly across the campus from my dorm room, to the school clinic. I couldn’t get there fast enough.
I sat on that hard brown ‘bed’, naked underneath that blue gown and held my legs wide open as she invaded my most private space. She took some “specimen” from a few of the open sores (OUCH!) looked up and said, “This looks like herpes, but we won’t know for sure until your results come back.” I went blank. All I saw was her mouth moving, her scribbling on my report and then her back, as she walked out of the room. There I was …. an 18 year old girl, on that hard brown bed, in a cold clinic room, naked and alone with my new reality.
Vulnerabites… My journey doesn’t end here… but I do realize this blog is getting a bit lengthy.
PS. This is hard for me… I am literally in tears as I hit publish. (Thanks for praying with me #2!)
Please don’t judge me just yet… I’ll see you over in my next entry.