He gave me herpes…

Hey Vulnerabites,

I thought that if I shut down my blog (yes! those entire 48 hours…lol), delete the app from my phone, and remove the bookmark on my laptop, I could erase that nagging feeling that is almost compelling me to share this experience with you.

Nah, it’s not a catchy blog title… this is my life. I was 18 years old and he was the first and only person I had ever slept with in my entire life.

I don’t know who this will encourage, (or maybe my sharing is just for me to finally stop hiding) but when I went through this experience, it was the most alone I’ve felt in my entire life. I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror and I felt like a filthy infectious rag. I wished that SOMEONE who was struggling with this would have opened up and encouraged me that this would not be the end of my life, instead I navigated this space alone as a teenager in this big big big world.

So, friend, I hope you find comfort in my journey…

*Reader Discretion is advised*

We were in the middle of being sexually intimate, he paused and said to me, “Babe, you have a bump right here –pointing to the lower part of my vagina, closer to my anus- you should get it checked out.” Not giving it a second thought, I shrugged and said, “ok.” We continued where we had left off. When the weekend was over, I returned to my college campus— we didn’t live in the same city, he was a 2 hour drive away. 

I woke up two days later and went to shower for class — I lived in a dorm, so we’re talking about a communal shower for a hall of women and I had a roommate. So, I had no privacy — As I proceeded to cleanse my private areas, it was too painful to touch… I looked down and couldn’t see anything, but I knew something was wrong. I rushed out of the shower and into my room — thank God my roommate had already left for class– I layed down on my bed, propping myself up with pillows, I spread my legs wide open and placed the mirror directly in front of me. OOOOMMMMGGG!!! My mouth fell wide open….I was paralyzed with shock. I had no idea what was happening to me, but I knew this could not be good.

That little pimple like bump my boyfriend pointed out, had turned into multiple blister-like-canker-sores and had spread itself all along my inner and outward vaginal lips…. and it was painful. I called my boyfriend and told him what was happening, he told me to go and see a doctor. I decided not to. I thought to myself, I’ll just wait and see if it goes away on it’s own… maybe I was just having an allergic reaction to the panties I was wearing. The next morning, it only got worse. It was so bad, that I could not wear jeans… I put on my cotton undies, because the coolness of the cotton seemed to temporarily provide some relief, my favorite green skirt and a white tank top. Yes, I remember what I was wearing, this day is permanently etched into my memory. I  was on my way to the school clinic, I wanted to run there… but I could barely walk. When I closed my legs, and my vaginal lips touched one another, the sores rubbed against each other and it really hurt… I cried a few times before I finally left my room. I mustered up the courage to put on my mask and a fake smile to greet the girls in the hallway, as I walked out of my dorm building. They had no idea I was on my way to get a diagnosis that would change my life forever. I walked slowly across the campus from my dorm room, to the school clinic. I couldn’t get there fast enough.

I sat on that hard brown ‘bed’, naked underneath that blue gown and held my legs wide open as she invaded my most private space.  She took some “specimen” from a few of the open sores (OUCH!) looked up and said, “This looks like herpes, but we won’t know for sure until your results come back.” I went blank. All I saw was her mouth moving, her scribbling on my report and then her back, as she walked out of the room. There I was …. an 18 year old girl, on that hard brown bed, in a cold clinic room, naked and alone with my new reality.

TESTIMONY 1

I intentionally left “UF Student Health Care Center” in the picture, so you would know that I wasn’t making this up, or didn’t get some fake report from Google… This is MY life.

Vulnerabites… My journey doesn’t end here… but I do realize this blog is getting a bit lengthy.

PS. This is hard for me… I am literally in tears as I hit publish. (Thanks for praying with me #2!)

Please don’t judge me just yet… I’ll see you over in my next entry.

Until Next Time…

Hey Vulnerabites…

Thank you so much for journeying with me through my thoughts and life experiences this last year, it’s been the authentic online space that I craved.

I am in my head quite a bit these days and haven’t been inspired to articulate my experiences in writing. So, see you later for now… Maybe inspiration will strike tomorrow, maybe it will come in two years.

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Until Next Time…

Yours Vulnerably,

The Naked Writer

When I Was Single, Nobody Told Me…

Oh yes! It’s about to go down! lol. Hey Vulnerabites… Can I just sloppy wet smooch everyone on the other side of this screen? The love has been real! The last two times I shared my “heart in words”, I got over 500 hits! Whoop! Whoop! I’m looking forward to the day I can add a comma to that number 🙂 Can a girl dream?   I’m excited about my International Vulnerabites from Canada, Barbados, Ireland, UK, Austria, India, Australia, Honduras and Uganda!!! Thank you. Thank You. Thank You. Happy to Have You!

Let’s get to it Ladies & Gents (Yes! I have male readers… ok, maybe just two…lol)

MJ

Dress: Zara. Watch: Michael Kors. Glasses & Bag: Forever 21.  #WhenYouPretendToBeAFashionBlogger

When I was single, nobody told me to …. wait for it…. Go out and date!

Yes! Yes! Yes! I do believe that Christians should date. I’m going to tell you why in a minute, but first let me share my collection of “Single Girl” reads that I would lay right next to my Bible as I sought out “dating advice for those of us behind the veil, on the holy mountain, behind the first two cherubims on the left side of the sanctuary, pass the second door of purity into the holy of holies closet that’s right next to where Jesus walked and Peter sneezed.”

Lady in Waiting–The Lady, Her Lover and Her Lord—Sassy, Single & Satisfied—Boy Meets Girl—Boundaries in Dating—Worth the Wait—Sacred Search— Promises from God for Women—The Dating Manifesto—The Five Love Languages—I Kissed Dating Goodbye.

Uuumm… Joshua Harris…Negative!… I’m going to Kiss Dating “Hello! Hey! How You Doing?”

These books are all great! Thank you to the authors for taking the time to do their research and share their insight with us. I appreciate you. Now that I’ve inserted my politically correct piece, nobody will come for me and my blog…  here is what annoyed me most about “books for singles”… they can all be summed up like this… Ready? … “Don’t Have Sex. Wait on God.”

Am I lying? Come on somebody, AM —–I—– LYING? All I ever heard was, “Wait and Pray.” What if I was encouraged earlier to “Pray and Seek” instead?

Whenever I’ve looked for a job in my life…I prayed (that was for the saints), decided what I wanted and then I SEARCHED  & INTERVIEWED for one.. Same Concept. These “singles books”didn’t challenge me to “engage in my search.” I just woke up one morning and decided that I would. Where are the books that tell me “Go out on Game Days! That’s when all the men come out!” Or even “How to wink at the cutie in the gym staring at me.” That was for you Sarah!…lol

Where are the books with “practical steps to meeting a man” for Singles? #I’mAboutToStartASeries #JustKidding

Here is Page 1 from My Experience…

1.) I smiled back at him.Even if I didn’t like him, even if I made up my mind about him, even if I’d rather be talking to his homeboy… I always smiled back. Smiling is warm and inviting, it removed the intimidation of my “resting black girl face”  and it made me — wait for it— APPROACHABLE! How do you expect to meet your husband if no one ever approaches you?

2.) I went out with ONE friend at a time. — Seriously. My friend and I were taking a stroll in Italy (y’all see that humble brag) and this guy just walked up to us and started talking to us… we didn’t speak Italian, but somehow he guessed we might speak French…before we knew it, he came with a friend later on that night and Boom! A double date in less than 24 hours.

3.) Even if I wasn’t interested, I’d say “Yes to the date!”Uh Uh Mac! Why’d you waste his time and lead him on? I see it differently. It  was my way of commending him on the guts he had to approach me and not to mention it helped me get comfortable talking with the opposite sex. It gave me room to “practice” without any pressure…AND it’ll also boost his confidence the next time he thinks about approaching a woman. See? I’m thinking about the other ladies who are tired of men not stepping to them. If men keep getting shut down, eventually they will shut down. Don’t shoot me… Take the advice or leave it right here on this screen for the next reader.

4.) I made sure he “saw” me. — This might seem shallow, and it is… but men ARE visual. Sistah too deep, stay over there in your corner with that “He should love me for what’s on the inside.” He will. Just not right away. Men had to be attracted to what they “saw” when they looked at me, before deciding they even wanted to know my name. Ladies, we can still be CLASSY and seen. That dress should be tight enough for him to know you’re a woman and loose enough for him to know you’re a lady.  Come on! So, ladies (and gents) get to the gym, buy some new clothes, do your hair! Come on boo!

5.) I didn’t stop dating. — When I decided that I was going to start dating, I REALLY started dating. In the span of two months… I dated a bass player from Brooklyn, the cable guy who hit on me at work, a Belgium soccer player I met in Italy, a banker from Westchester and an Indian guy from my public speaking group. I was in the season of saying “YES!” to every guy that asked me out, even if I knew it wasn’t going anywhere. I had fun! It made for great stories and laughs with my girlfriends! For the first time I felt like I was at the front of the buffet dating line, picking out only what I wanted from all these guys and then sitting down to the final meal of my bae 🙂

My sweet Vulnerabites, What have you learned from dating? Or NOT dating? I’m curious…

Let’s Talk…

Yours Vulnerably.

PS. If this is your first time here, or second and third, but you’re not subscribed, I’d love it if you would stay — Just hit the “Follow+” button in the bottom right hand of your phone screen and a “Sign Me Up” box will appear– it’s that easy…and you’ll be first in line with total access to my naked truths.

Why I Don’t Talk About Him.

Hey Vulnerabites,

I got so much love from my last post. THANK YOU. I got about 50 different clicks from the links I shared. Whoop! Whoop! If only I was getting a commission…hhhmmm…maybe one day. I also want to show some love to my Vulnerabites who shared the post  … Big Sloppy Wet Smooches to you! And to my newly subscribed Vulnerabites… Glad to have you 🙂

So, there’s this “new” space I’ve been trying to navigate … Yes- Take a deep breath.

We were all snuggled up in bundles of blankets and pillows, our eyes locked in to “Moonlight” and mouths wide open sipping on “Moonshine.” It was a cozy little cabin in the woods of Vermont, the snow outside extended for miles around us, no neighbors… just us… this was exactly what I had in mind when I envisioned, “a girls getaway.” She smiled and asked, “how’s your boo?” and then she leaned in with a tad bit more seriousness in her tone and asked “how come you never talk about him?” I just shrugged and said, “Well, you know, if people ask, then I share.” But she wasn’t buying it…. and quite frankly neither was I.

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Her question really struck a cord in me, Why didn’t I ever talk about my banana?”

Here’s my attempt to navigate the truth of this space…

One day, two years ago, I listened to one of my closest friends share her heart. She was going out with another friend and said, “I appreciate “Anna” so much, she is intentional about protecting the hearts of her single friends and doesn’t ever talk about her husband or her marriage.” Wow. I felt a sudden check in my gut. “Was I being inconsiderate of my single friends when I shared the details of my evolving love life?” Whether or not I was or I wasn’t… I took on the “cover the hearts of my single friends” cross. I took on that personal vow with fervent zeal and decided that I would not become the girl who was always talking about bae, texting bae, thinking about bae, what would bae think about this, what would bae say about that… bae bae bae …bae-quiet already!

“But I feel like you’re robbing of us something when you don’t share this part of your life with us,” she said. She was right! I remember being on the other side and feeling like, no married people ever talked about their marriages … at least not to me. Ok, maybe a few… like 4 women come to mind. But for the most part, it was the routine, “Oh we’re blessed. He’s good.”  #RollingMyEyes And here I was on the verge of doing the same thing.

Here’s my heart — I was doing it in an attempt to “soften the blow” of ‘receiving an answer to my prayers’ while my single friends still wait for theirs. Ouch.

It’s like waiting at the bus stop with someone and then your bus comes first. It only makes sense to get on right? And of course they’re not upset because they know their bus is coming too, right?

This has been very hard for me to say out loud. I felt pinches of “guilt” for handing in my Single Ladies Membership. I wanted to place the keys to the singles clubhouse in the mailbox and just tip-toe away without ruffling any feathers.

As I’m in this ‘new’ space, I’m thankful for my big sis who has aided me in “behind-the-scenes-logistics” that come with “Journey-ing to One-ness.” Not just as it pertains to me and bae, but also as it relates to my friends, my family and all the other things I’ve never stopped to think about. I call her about absolutely anything, I ask her candid questions and she’s always  transparent. I cherish her…she’s not ‘putting her business on the streets’ — she’s encouraging me and letting me know, “It’s gonna be ok boo.” I Love You Big Sis!

I must also say that I’m equally grateful for my Marriage Mentor who calls me into her home weekly to ‘teach me and equip me’ with tools to build the foundation for my future marriage. Thank You and Big Hugs to my very own “Ms.Clara” (…from WarRoom, did anybody catch that? lol) Not to scream at anyone, but … WE NEED MORE WOMEN WHO WILL DO THIS! I’m talking to my future self. And finally, thank you to the women like Mrs. Esther Thomas who are always ready to share their learning and growing places in marriage… like in this video for example!

So, as I navigate this ‘new’ space… I hope to learn how I can share enough of my relationship to be insightful to my friends, who are interested … but not so much that my banana feels ‘unpeeled’ without his permission.

To my friends who are single, I am sorry for robbing you.

To my married friends who robbed me, I forgive you.

Vulnerabites, whichever side of the coin you’re on…married, single, dating, vow of chastity or celibacy… I’m behind the screen sipping my tea, (not really, I have a water bottle next to me…lol) I’m waiting for you to flush your thoughts out in the comment box.

Let’s Talk…

Yours Vulnerably.

PS. If this is your first time here, or second and third, but you’re not subscribed, I’d love it if you would stay — Just hit the “Follow+” button in the bottom right hand of your phone screen and a “Sign Me Up” box will appear– it’s that easy...and you’ll be first in line with total access to my naked truths.

He’s Not The One.

Hey Vulnerabites,

Listen to me…

He’s not the one. Hi, My name is Mac and I am here to burst your little Cinderella day dream… just as I promised you in my entry on “What not to tell Singles.” I waited my whole life for “the one.” You know… my one true love… my prince charming, you know… the one who comes and saves me from myself… You know, the guy who asked me to marry him a month after we met (because we just knew that God told us we were supposed to be together #RollingMyEyes), only to dump me and marry someone else a year later — You can read about that here.

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#MyGoodBanana 🙂

Ay yi yi… who even came up with that? Bravo Disney! Thank you so much for ruining most of my 20s waiting for my “prince.” Bravo Saints! Thank you so much for ruining the last 10 years of my life waiting for “the one God has for me.” I wish I could take all the outlets spewing this stuff into the atmosphere, ball it up, throw it in a trash, never to be recycled again.

On the other end of that, I do want to extend a very polite, Bravo Disney! Thank you for Frozen! Thank you for showing us that love is more than a romantic relationship. If you haven’t seen it — What the heck have you been doing with your life?— No, seriously… for the first time in my life, I finally saw a Disney movie that painted  true love as a story between two sisters! Tear. Tear. Tear. I also want to extend a polite thank you to the Boundless Show for helping me navigate my singleness and dispel the myth of “the one.” Thank You Lisa Anderson for all the candid-ness as you navigate your singleness even into your 40s. By the way, I listened to a podcast on Boundless 2 years ago that literally introduced me to the man I’m going to marry. That’s another blog. Shout out to my #2 for introducing me to Boundless. Can we give a round of applause to good friends that introduce us to good resources that change our lives for the better. Bravo #2. Bravo!

Ok, back to me bursting your little Cinderella day dream. Somebody please tell me the scripture where the Bible says, and God created “the one” for us to marry? Where? I’m waiting for it… Comment below. Somebody hold my earrings while I bust up that theory. We all know that famous line in the Bible, “He who finds a wife…” —– It says A wife, not HIS wife… but A wife. It’s like God saying, “He who finds a banana, finds a good thing”… if it walks, talks, smells, looks like a banana, then you’ve gotten yourself a good thing. There are many fruits in the world, but only one has the characteristics and nutrients of a banana. Did y’all know bananas have a nutrient that activates the “happy hormone” in you? — So random, I know. I digress…

Ladies… Ladies… Ladies… and Gentleman… but more so LADIES…Please stop rolling your eyes at the “good guys.” I’ve watched people look over good bananas right at home, for some unripened bananas on the top rack at Trader Joes…. I’m talking from experience here.

What am I saying? Stop waiting for YOUR husband, and wait instead for a man who has the characteristics to be a good husband. Thank you Steven Furtick for making it so clear that we don’t marry potential, we marry patterns. What has the choices he’s already made in his life say about him? As a matter of fact, Boundless released a podcast last week on the traits you should look for in a potential spouse — Here it is! Among them is someone who …

  1. KEEPS THEIR WORD
  2. MAKES YOU BETTER
  3. …. You’ll have to check out Boundless for the rest….

If you’re not into podcasts, here’s a link to the article they’re discussing. Don’t roll your eyes at me please…. Gary Thomas asks, “What if it’s not about WHO you marry, but WHY you marry?” in his book Sacred Search.

Y’all better click on at lease ONE of these links…lol… Like seriously…I’m so glad that I had these resources to help me “loosen the burden” I was putting on myself.

I love you Vulnerabites…. I want to be alongside you as some of your deepest hearts desires come to past…and I know one of those desires is someone to share life with.

I know this because my relationship posts have gotten the most views…. even more than me spilling the guts on my masturbation journey. I mean, shheesshhh. Lol.

But it makes sense…

Our greatest fear is to be known and not loved.

But to be fully known and truly loved is our greatest joy.

-Tim Keller

Before I exit stage left, Vulnerabites, I want you to know that I appreciate you. Thank You for always coming back to share life with me. It means so much, that “little ol’ me” would say something that you’re interested in hearing. Thank you for making me laugh and sharing life with me in your comments. See you again soon. I’m looking forward to sharing more of these naked thoughts and living vulnerably!

Yours Vulnerably,

The Naked Writer.

PS. Remember to subscribe so we can keep in touch! Oh yeah and comment! I really take pleasure in hearing from you 🙂

I’m showing my a**

Hey Vulnerabites,

Lesson One: “The higher you climb, the more a** you show.” (sorry to be crass).

I literally burst out laughing when I read her text, because I couldn’t link the gentle soul of my 60-something year old, Halle Berry prototype, mentor of mine sending me this kind of message.

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She was pointing out that as I begin to serve in the community people would begin to listen and watch me in a way they haven’t before. Even if I never know who they are, I should keep in mind that “they’re watching.” A life of public service is not for the faint of heart.

Little ol’ me…. my words from years ago, carried weight today.Wow! I was a senior in college for crying out loud.

Long story short, my interview from 8 years ago was with Ebony magazine about my hopes for Obama’s presidency, and today I was being asked to share my thoughts as he leaves office next week. I just got off the phone with a reporter from my local newspaper and he gently, yet firmly read my words back to me.

So here’s where I was challenged in my interview today…

  1. Being able to say something that is authentically me, yet leaving room for my future self (possibly 8 years from now) that may feel differently than I do today.
  2. Being vulnerable, yet still politically correct.
  3. Being honest without offending an entire community of people at the same time.

We’ll see how the story turns out! *holding my breath* If you’re in the neighborhood, pick up Sunday’s paper and look for me in the business section. I’ll be looking for me too!

So here’s my Lesson 1 take away: Anything I say or do in the public sphere, will never go away. Period.

Be the Me, that the “Future Me” would be proud of 🙂

Yours Vulnerably,

The Naked Writer.

PS. Remember to subscribe so we can keep in touch! Oh yeah and comment! You’d be surprised how your comments encourage other readers— because other readers, do read the comments! Don’t you? lol

Last Night I met Oprah’s director…

Dear Vulnerabites,

Last night in New York City… this is what happened to me…

She held my hand with a slightly firm grip, smiled and said, “It’s nice to meet you. I’m just trying to get back to my seat.” Of course she was, just like everyone else in the room.

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Our intermission from the Broadway play “Jitney” had come to an end. Last night was my first experience with the work of playwright August Wilson (he also wrote “Fences“, the new movie with Denzel Washington and Viola Davis).

But my greatest lesson didn’t come from the show, it came from my interaction with Ava Duvernay.

You may not know her name, but you’ll know her work. Her most recent work is the Netflix Documentary, 13th, and the movie Selma…and not to mention she writes and directs shows for Oprah Winfrey. Just throwing some big names around—because that’s how we value people, right? By who they know and affiliate with.

Moving on, I walked to the back of that auditorium in hopes of getting a selfie with her… and instead got her very polite version of, “Honey, I’m just trying to watch the show.” As I walked back to my seat, selfie-less, my first thought was, “No one is going to believe I saw her,” and then my next thought was, “Why does it even matter?” It matters because somehow in that moment I attached my value to being “seen with a celebrity.” As if, my stock market value goes up because of this selfie that I would share with my non-existent social media following.

So, here’s what I learned…

  1. It’s selfish to ask celebrities for pictures.

Unless they’ve allotted time at an event just for that.

It was a selfish move for me, because I didn’t care that she was trying to watch the play.

All I cared about was being able to take a picture with her to show my “non existent social media” following that I bumped into this “famous” person. Why? Because in that split second, I thought it would make me “more cool” to be in a room with this person.

Here’s what I should have done instead…

  1. Thanked her for her work.

I should have walked up to her and said, “Ava, I know you’re trying to get back to your seat, but I just wanted to thank you for all the intentionality you put into carefully creating your work. Thank You for giving a voice to the “delicate” issues. Thank You for Selma, I took my mentee to see it and we learned so much together. Thank You.”

… Walked back to my seat and watched the show with her.

You know what they say, hindsight is 20-20!

If I ever become one of those “influential public personalities”…. I don’t want people capitalizing on the “impression of meeting me,” but rather “sharing with me how my work has changed their lives.”

So Madam Ava Duvernay, if you ever read this… Thank You.

Yours Vulnerably,

The Naked Writer.

PS. Thanks for journey-ing  through life with me! If you know someone who might enjoy this, share my heart with them and remember to subscribe so we can keep in touch (top right corner)! Oh yeah and comment (top left corner)! You’d be surprised how your comments encourage other readers— because other readers, do read the comments! Don’t you? lol

I’m Doing it Afraid.

Morning Vulnerabites…. So I’m nervous. I told myself that after my self-sabotaging karate kick that let the opportunity in Brooklyn slip right through my fingers, I would make more of an effort to #TMC (Take More Chances). So that’s what Im doing folks… and I am nnneeerrrvvvooouuusssss.

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I submitted a quote of a couple thousand dollars for an opportunity in a neighboring state (let’s call it The Island) and TODAY they discuss the possibility of bringing me in… YIKES! Let me sort through my feelings on this screen….

  1. I want the opportunity, as it would be a great space for me to reach a different audience, to help people I don’t ordinarily have access to, a pretty cool resume builder and not to mention more dollars in my business account.
  2. I don’t want the opportunity, because I’m afraid of “messing up.” I mean what if I get there and just ‘flop’…. Yikes! But, I only miss the shots that I don’t take, right? I’m in “on the job training” and I’m figuring this all out as I go, with the help of my amazing mentor of course. And quite frankly, who cares if I mess up… I’m human right. I really need to learn how to hold myself to a standard of grace and release the claws of perfection that I grip myself with so tightly.

In life, I either win or I learn— there’s no losing 🙂

In addition to giving that quote, I got an email last week from the organization I am Nationally Certified with asking if I would be interested in an opportunity in another state (let’s call it The Spring). I said “YES!”…. Even though I really wanted to pretend that I didn’t get the email, because as much as I want to do my business full time… I am SCARED folks! Like seriously. But, all I hear is Joyce Meyer’s voice in the background saying… “Do it afraid!”

I don’t know where these “inquiries” will take me… but I’m grateful for them. They are a step further than I was this time last year, and for that I am excited.

I do understand why most people don’t venture out into entrepreneurship… because there is no guarantee that all your effort and hard work will pay off, and I totally get that… but I’m out here giving it a try.

So, cheers to the honest space of my journey… I’ll keep you posted my vulnerabites.

She Called Me “Petty.”

Hey Vulnerabites…. Let me begin with my reverse Beyonce lyrics… “I AM Sorry!” I’m sorry because I was considering hanging an “OUT OF ORDER” sign over our “Naked Space.” In light of that, I want to thank my dear friend Ms.McCullough for calling me “petty” two days ago.#RollingMyEyes. Snuggle up My Vulnerabites, we are going to get cozy!

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Let me keep it “one-hunnen” with you… this blog space is a continual ‘heart check’ for me — it forces me to ask myself, “WHY are you doing this Mac?” — When I started this blog with “Confidently Insecure”, it was to create an authentic space where I could be “human in my faith” — because we all know the “Saints” are semi-divine beings, and I’m not that — and invite others to join me here. If my goal is to create an ‘intimate’ space, than perhaps my desire for 500 likes, shares and followers is rooted in something else. I’ma call this devil by it’s name— The need to be important is bothering me. Why don’t I have more subscribers? Why aren’t more people commenting? Why don’t I have more views? Why do I even have to ask people to share the blog? Isn’t that what people do when they’ve had a good read— maybe my blogs just aren’t a good read… Hhhmmm… Lol. Where are all the people who raved about my writing and haven’t even subscribed? — And don’t get me started on the responses that never come when I share my new post in a group text. HHHmmm… #2, we’re not going there, right? We’ve forgiven them and have accepted that sometimes support will come from those you LEAST expected, or weren’t even expecting.

OUCH! OUCH! OUCH!

Cheers to acknowledging where I am…and being able to grow, because now I have clarity on where I stand.

I should really be saying… “Mac, look at the followers you DO have. The views you DO have. The people who ARE commenting.” — Who am I that even 50 people take the time to read, share and comment on MY thoughts. Who am I?

What if my blog seriously just encourages ONE person— or NO ONE at all…. then what? Do I stop writing? I thought I was writing because I actually LIKE TO WRITE and not because people are watching. — Another Heart Check.

Ms.McCullough— this is for you. Thank you for calling me out of my “petty-ness” and forcing me (unknowingly to you) to take a good look in the mirror and re-examine my motives for writing. I Love You. You shower me with that tough, raw, uncut, candid love… that “take two looks at that text you just sent” and ask myself “did she really just say that?” kinda love.

With all that being said… I have a #TMC post coming soon…. See you then… or Not, I’m going to write it anyway. #Growing

PS. Thanks for journey-ing  through life with me! If you know someone who might enjoy this, share my heart with them and remember to subscribe so we can keep in touch (top right corner)! Oh yeah and comment (top left corner)! You’d be surprised how your comments encourage other readers— because other readers, do read the comments! Don’t you? lol

 

I Regret it. So, Now I’m #TMC.

Alright Vulnera-bites… Here I am…

I’ve been avoiding having to share this page in my life, but every time I think of writing— it’s the only thing that comes to mind. So here goes…

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My #TMC Pose 🙂 

Her email came with a big “REJECTED” stamp across the screen. Ok, not really… but that’s what it felt like. Her email read.. “Hi Mac, The position has been filled. Thank You.” And just like that, all my dreams and hopes of a new life slipped right through my fingers. It really sucks folks! I think I finally heard the air leaks seal on the glass ceiling that Madam Clinton didn’t get to shatter… #ImNotGoingThere. Is this what it feels like to see the position that sums up my greatest passions handed over to someone else?

Listen folks, there’s no one to blame here… I never applied for the contract. It could have been my entry into finally being self-employed. The opportunity came, it was a Brooklyn Bridge too far away from me, a couple thousand dollars shy of what I wanted and I didn’t even give it a second glance. When I casually mentioned it to my trusted advisors and honed in on their wisdom, I began to warm up to the possibility of this being a way out of my “rat race.” They offered a perspective I hadn’t considered on my own. With excitement, I called and emailed about the availability of the position, but by then it was too late.

I was just too damn late. An opportunity came, I dismissed it and now it’s gone. As Thanksgiving approaches in a few hours, I’m grateful that now I know to look at opportunities a little more closely and carefully before writing them off. In the words of Fantasia, “Sometimes You Gotta Lose To Win.”

I lost. It Sucks. I Move On.

I am sharing this to encourage you and myself to “Seize The Opportunities” as they come along.

“I only miss the shots I never take.” -Wayne Gretzky

I let thoughts of Fear, Insecurity and Uncertainty keep ME from taking a chance. I’m living with the pinch of regret. When the opportunity came, I thought of all the reasons it wouldn’t work — Am I the only one? Although I believe that what is for me, will come to me…. I also believe that fear can keep me from what is for me.

So, where do I go from here…

“I don’t need to see the entire stairwell before I take the first step.”

-Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

Today, I promise to Take More Chances. Cheers to that #TMC Life! Anybody else going to join me in this #TMC Movement?

Encourage me with a comment on that time you took a chance and it worked for you. If you can’t think of a moment, then come on and join me in this #TMC Movement 🙂

PS. Thanks for journey-ing  through life with me! If you know someone who might enjoy this, share my heart with them and remember to subscribe so we can keep in touch (top right corner)! Oh yeah and comment (top left corner)! You’d be surprised how your comments encourage other readers— because other readers, do read the comments! Don’t you? lol